


Can I have my pen back

by JessLovesBooks



Series: Can I have my pen back? [1]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Gavin has issues, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Supportive Nines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-09-14 21:15:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16920519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JessLovesBooks/pseuds/JessLovesBooks
Summary: Gavin has these episodes down to a T, he just needs to work out what to do about Nines





	Can I have my pen back

**Author's Note:**

> So this came out in a massive mess and Its been polished over and over again until I decided screw it and posted it here. I just wanted to warn here that this may be triggering for anyone that suffers with their mental health. Obviously this is entirely in my head and not based on anybody in real life but I know it can be a negative experience if your not in a good head space <3

Gavin could blame it on having a job that carried a stupidly fucking high rate of danger and death. It’s not like the DPD made them all take psych tests every 3 months for no reason. He could also blame it on a shitty childhood but that's just an excuse. It’s his own fault that he's like this.

He’d managed to yell and scream internally at himself until he’d gotten these episodes down to a T if he did say so himself, the first sign and he’d have his excuses in with Fowler and then he was home, everything set up so that when he resurfaced it was all there ready for him. Though if he’d gotten it down to a T then he wouldn’t be in these shitty situations in the first place, but that was neither here nor fucking there as far as he was concerned. It’s not like he’s ever fucking 100% clear but everyday life was tolerable.

The problem was Nines. Not that there was anything wrong with the android, fucking guy made the tolerable better, made it good. It was more of an issue of how did he get the android to magically stay away from him and not be alarmed when Gavin inevitably sank. There’s no fucking answer to that because even a fuck-wit like him knew that the android would notice the tiniest disturbance to their slowly formed relationship.

There’d been nothing wrong for the first 2 months of dating, Gavin had been quite pleased with himself for being so _normal_. He’d taken on the stress of having an android partner and then when he realised how fucking amazing Nines was he’d buried down all of the bullshit that tried to surge and tighten around him. Nines was a great boyfriend,  ~~ _fucking perfect_~~ , but Gavin needed to be careful at all times, any med's were swallowed secretly, he’d even taken to carrying around mouthwash to clear the taste away in case Nines kissed him.

Though luckily he'd had a pretty good year so far, started to think that he was done, that he’d beaten it. He’d ignored the itching in his skin that had had him tapping out infrequent patterns on his arms most days, pushed aside the paranoia and buried it underneath the embrace of a RK900 more than happy to provide kisses whenever Gavin demanded it.

Of course gods a bastard because as he’d been sat staring at his emails one day he could hear it.

_Anderson’s watching you._

Gavin looked up to see Hank turned, his back to him, animatedly talking with Connor about some shit.

_He’s telling everyone how disgusting you are._

Gavin spent the rest of the day trying to convince himself that it was just his own shitty thoughts doing this, nobody in the office was judging him. By the end of the shift though he was well aware that he’s too on edge, Nines concerned looks fucking increased by the hour.

It felt like a routine that he go into Fowler’s office and tell the man that Gavin wasn’t coming to work for the week, that he’d developed an immediate viral illness and he didn’t wish to spread it. The old guy must have been getting good at this because he gave Gavin a reassuringly normal lecture about responsibility and then he was dismissed.

It was almost too easy to tell Nines that Gavin needed the night to himself because the android nodded and wished him well. Which was great because fuck Nines seeing him like this but there’d been a tiny part of him that wanted the androids comfort.

_Your already too filthy for him._

Fuck off brain!

 

* * *

 

Gavin was quite proud of his efforts by the time he’d gotten back to his apartment, he managed to stop off and bulk buy his cats food to do them over, only having to stop once when a thought about the cashier had made him tensing up in a paranoid mess.

Once he’d locked the door and dropped his crap on the kitchen counter then he was going to be okay. Once he’d pulled out the cats bowls and heaped enough food to do them until tomorrow he was going to be okay. Once he’d pulled out the medication packet and popped a Diazepam then he’d be okay. Maybe 2 just to be safe. Put the rest of his tablets in a bag on the sofa _then he'd be fucking okay_.

He pulled all of the blankets and comforters and pillows into a large messy pile into the living room and piled them high on his sofa, the best spot because then if he couldn’t really move he was closer to the bathroom, use his energy for what mattered, suck it spoon theory!

He was so freaking great at this that he’d brought a large pack of water bottles which he’d placed on his coffee table, what else had he forgotten?

_Your so fucking stupid._

He’d need food! Grabbing bags of something from the cupboards and a bunch of banana’s because he’s a healthy fuck and that’s going to help him. All of it piles up on the table with his other stuff.

Fucking already the feeling of tiredness swept through him, everything he was wearing too tight, scraping across his skin. So those can get lost, old sweats and shitty shirt from back of his wardrobe, welcome back.

He had everything. Curtains yanked shut because there’s no way he’s gonna cope with that bullshit tomorrow morning. Anything else didn’t matter because he wasn't leaving the den he’s about to burrow down into.

 

* * *

 

If anybody had asked Gavin how he’d felt the next day, was it the next day? Fuck he hoped so because if not he’s really fucking gone.

_Your so fucking stupid!_

Well anyway he’d have told them it fucking sucked! His brain couldn’t stop taunting him with stuff, pulling him down until he’d fallen into spirals of negativity. The thing about following the shitty spirals were that they just kept getting tighter and it’s impossible for him to get out so he’d just burrowed down deeper.

He’d fucking left a spot in the curtains, the small shaft of light spearing in was blinding, he couldn’t move to deal with it so instead drew the blankets over his face.

What had that bastard therapist said when he’d been younger. ‘Your the author of your own thoughts’. Yeah he’s the author and this is most definitely his brain so whatever prick has the pen really needs to give it back to him. Please.

He’d not felt that bad that he resorted to pleading and begging the nameless creature that had stolen his brain, but that would definitely be coming soon.

 

* * *

 

He’d been trapped in a cycle of memories as a child when he realised that he’s not alone in his apartment.

Could he grab his gun from here? Where the fuck was his gun ? _Oh!_ It’s in his fucking safe, he should know that, he’s not trusted with a gun.

_We could use it properly._

No he didn’t want to die, not today, not with some stranger in his flat, a stranger that his cats were trailing around the ankles of. Maybe he could chuck the empty water bottle in his hands at the intruder?

_Do you think you should live when your so fucking stupid!_

“Detective? Are you alright?”

Gavin’s definitely at the bottom of this spiral, because there’s no way in hell that Nines is here staring at him with a concerned look. No that’s stupid because Nines can’t show his emotions. Gavin’s clever enough to remember that, fuck you very much brain!

“Gavin, what’s wrong?”

Nines’ LED is red. Really obnoxiously red, like it's a burning halo of fire. He didn’t want it near, what if that shit burnt him!

He hadn’t realised that he’d been scanned until Nines dropped into a crouch in front of the spot where Gavin’s head poked out of the safe mountain that he’d made.

“What can I do to help detective?”

Any anger that he’d felt building up towards the android drained away as Nines didn’t push forward or try to get him out.

_He’s too good for you._

His voice felt croaky like he’d not used it in fucking forever.

“You can’t.”

Nines disappeared from view then and although Gavin desperately wanted to find out where he’d gone the effort of moving and finding another open spot to look out of was just too much for him to cope with.

Disappointment was a sharp monster twisting in his empty stomach, shit, had he taken any med's since he’d gone down?

He was pulled out of the thoughts by a pale hand holding out a glass of water towards him, a small tablet in his other.

It’s a very underrated herculean effort to take the fluids and tablet, fingers grasping the edge of the cool glass and then he’s snatching them back into safety quickly like an ungrateful prick.

As he’d drank the water, swallowing around a hard lump in his throat, he’d watched as Nines slid down onto the floor, sitting down with his back against the sofa.

Gavin tried to work out what the android was doing but he was too fucking tired for it, it wasn’t like it mattered. Nines would leave when he realised that Gavin was broken.

_I keep trying to tell you that._

__

* * *

 

For some reason all he could think about was that old question he’d been asked constantly when he’d tried counselling, back when he’d thought he could be fixed.

Do you think that you’re a threat to yourself?

Of course he fucking wasn’t. He didn’t want to hurt himself…

_Yes you do._

Gavin didn’t want to. But that fucker who’d stolen his pen, writing out how he should think did and if that wasn’t a confusing head case then what was?

“Gavin, would you like anything?”

The author had clearly gotten creative because he’s sure as all hell certain that Nines couldn’t still be there.

But after an exorbitant amount of energy his face is peeking out and he’s rewarded the effort with the sight of that beautiful fucking face.

_And he has to look at you._

God he wanted something but he couldn’t say what.

“Gavin, could I… I want to…”

Nines doesn’t stumble, Gavin’s sure of it, this has to be an impostor because his Nines didn’t speak unless he knew exactly what he wanted to say.

_You’ve lost your mind._

Or the androids not here. Gavin’s never hallucinated before but there’s a first for fucking everything. He kind of wanted to prove that he’d finally lost it completely, without his knowledge one of his fingers had pointed out from the confines of his blankets. He’d just been about to pull it back in a panic when he could feel a soft stroke across the digit.

Nines watched him as Gavin felt a finger hook around his own and the feeling was so steadying he felt his stomach churn and roil. Or maybe he hadn’t eaten properly for too long.

Gavin knew it was a really stupid thing to do but he couldn’t help the greedy pull he gave to draw Nines' hand inside enough for Gavin to wrap his own around and cling onto it.

The position had to be uncomfortable but Nines just gifts him that awkward twitching smile of his and rests himself against the sofa again.

Gavin actually managed to doze off as he curled his body and clutched the androids hand against his stomach.

 

* * *

 

He’s being screamed at but he knows it’s not real, he knows for a fact his mom is dead. She’s not here with him, the poisonous words that are being thrown at him are his own thoughts twisted creations, his body isn’t physically in pain but he can still feel the hits, the kicks against his side. The scar on his nose is fucking burning and he can’t feel the broken bottle to push it away. If he could see what this is, if it were a real tangible thing then he could kill it, burn the fucking thing down. Instead he’s stuck here. Now he’s so close to begging for that power over his story back it’s pitiful!

There’s something in here with him and the distraction helped pull him together enough to realise that it’s a thumb rubbing gently across his knuckles. It’s solid and real and he needs it right now.

_It’s never going to be enough._

Its true, that this one thing isn’t big enough because he can suddenly see what he needs. What he’d needed for the longest of times.

It took the smallest of pulls and Nines is there, face watching tentatively through the gap waiting for him to tell the android what he wanted.

_He doesn’t want to get any closer, your too dirty._

“Please… Nines.”

The words had been too much to say but then Nines is somehow sliding into this den of his, not disturbing the mound that Gavin had buried himself under. Then there’s arms around him, gently pulling him close and there’s a hand in his hair running through the strands.

Nobody had ever been near him when he’d gone, nobody ever tried to come near him normally, that Nines was here, holding him when Gavin’s in such a state is entirely too much. It hurts and crushes and burns because he didn't deserve it.

He's never deserved it.

Gavin couldn’t help the choked off whine he made as he cried into Nines' chest.

_So weak._

 

* * *

 

He didn’t have a clue what the time was or what day it was, he’d marked his own time by when Nines left him to feed the cats or get him more water. He knew he must have gone to the bathroom, changed clothes(?) and eaten something but he couldn’t recall one time.

Every single part of him that he could control was hyper-focused on Nines. The android remained the entire time Gavin had cried, when he’d woken up at one point screaming and sweating, even when he’d cursed out and tried to make the pain leave by pushing it onto somebody else.

Even now all he could take in was Nines’ stare, the soft way that the android touched him, small touches that despite his own worst efforts soothed him. He wanted to say thank you so many times but all he could croak out in the end.

“I’m not crazy.”

“I never thought you were.”

 

* * *

 

The first thing Gavin wanted to do was to know what the fucking day was 

“You’ve been away from work for 9 days.”

Just as he’d been about to freak out the android added.

“I informed the captain that you’d become unwell after I prepared you a meal and that the food poisoning had made you too unwell to move. I forged some biometric readings to send him to corroborate.”

Gavin didn’t know what he could say to convey his gratitude, he gave up in the end, letting Nines leave him long enough to bring back food. The soup he’d been given would have definitely made a mess so Gavin carefully pushed through the blankets and pillows. Desperately tried to ignore the way Nines' eyes fucking shone at the motion.

He’d sat quietly and finished the bowl as Nines played his favourite Youtube videos on the TV.

 

* * *

 

The next day he’d decided was a good one to get up, each passing minute beating the awareness of just how fucking gross his skin was into his brain, that there was no snide voice undermining him proved that he was more than well enough to move.

He’d allowed Nines to help him into the bathroom but insisted the android wait out in the hallway. God he felt so freaking weak as he shook and trembled under the onslaught of the shower head, after the dark and quiet space he’d spent over a week nestled in, the noise of the water roaring over his skin and the brightness of the bathroom light felt so fucking coarse over his sensitive nerves. But it felt good to be clean, to have the physical reminders sluiced off of his skin. He’d forgotten new clothes but a pile by the door revealed that Nines had thought of even that.

The smell of food drew Gavin's attention as he stood in the doorway uncertainly, after another sniff he straightened his stiff shoulders and made his way back down the hallway. The frankly fucking bizarre sight of Nines in front of his stove pottering about was enough to make Gavin pause as he tried to process such an odd sight.

“I made you something to eat.”

Nines is standing in his kitchen putting a steaming hot mug on the counter alongside a plate that, on closer inspection, presented him with grilled cheese. Fucking hell did he love grilled cheese.

He paused in front of a kitchen stool and waited for Nines to speak, to question him and find out what the fuck had all of this been about. He’d even prepared a few short deflections ready for it. Instead all the android did was turn his back and start washing up, Gavin didn't question the silence, appreciative of the fact that he wasn’t going to be watched over like a child while he ate.

He honestly didn’t think he was that hungry until he’d been licking his fingers to clear the crumbs off of them. The mug turned out to be hot cocoa that Gavin had stored in his cupboard for so freaking long and honestly forgotten about. Its soothing, his fingers warming up on the cup as he suspiciously watched Nines completely his self assigned mission of assaulting one of his frying pans with a scouring pad. The firm muscles in his arm shifting with the motion, his LED whirring between shades of blue and yellow as the stubborn grease slicked away under his relentless pressure. Gavin couldn't remember the last time he'd been freaked out about the fact that Nines wasn't human, maybe he  was just a superficial fucker, because he couldn't think of a single good reason to hate the soft hearted idiot... or his brain was too tired to think of anything else. Nines' tinkering finished during Gavin's mental ramblings, the sneaky bastard had rested himself across from Gavin, aiming for a casually unimposing look. Ah, so now they were going to have ‘the talk’.

“I’m not crazy.” He blurted out before Nines could even open his mouth.

Great now he'd started to repeat things, and there's no way Mr Perfect Recollection was going to forget that, words trembling with the effort of forcing themselves through his neglected vocal cords.

“Again, I never thought you were.” He really fucking hated the androids impassive face then, didn't give a fuck if it was out of his control.

“Don’t lie to me Nines.”

“Detective I haven’t ever lied to you.”

Shit that’s true, but if Nines didn’t think he was crazy, then where were they. Unless maybe he's mad as well?

“Why are you here Nines?”

“You needed someone to take care of you.”

“Bullshit! I was doing just fine thank you.” God, he was the fucking liar!

“I wanted to be with you, I- I didn’t want you to be alone.” And with those simple words Nines made him look like the shittiest person in the world.

“Well… You shouldn’t.”

_How eloquent you worthless fool._

Fucking shit! The tantalising tail of a spiral is right there, waiting for him to succumb to it. But he couldn't do that, not until he'd finished talking to Nines. His weary bones creaked as he stirred in his seat and tried to gather what was left of his strength to end this conversation.

“That’s not an option Gavin.”

What did Nines want from him? Why was he so fucking insistent on pushing Gavin? Because there's no way that this beautiful state of the art masterpiece could want him after this colossal clusterfuck. The thought's worth nothing more than a cheap laugh, he didn't even have the power to break the paranoid wall he was trying to resist building between them, insecurity disguised as rows of imaginary brick and  mortar, a culmination of all of the pain and exhaustion hardening his features into something impenetrable.

He needed to finish this now, before Nines tried to chip away at him. “Thanks for covering for me.”

“It wasn’t a hardship, though may I ask a question?”

_NO!_

Gavin didn’t trust himself not to say something crappy so he simply nodded.

“Why would you not tell the Captain that you needed to take some mental health days?”

_Shit!_

Roiling anxiety rearing up and lending it's unwelcome hand, slinging up bricks with a speed that Gavin knew couldn't be overcome.

“Do you think Fowler would keep a nutjob as a detective idiot?”

“He allowed the Lieutenant to remain in his position during the period of hardships the man faced.”

_Logical._

Shit, he was already crumbling, it's pitiful, so weak that he's struggling to protect this delicate part of him. And it's stupid because it's obviously not what he wanted... But he's still desperately pressing last piece of him against the wall between them, a flashing terror lighting up his nerves of what'll happen if he gave in now.

“Yeah… yeah well- Don’t give me that bullshit Nines.” He spluttered.

The fucker had the honest to god nerve to laugh then, the crackling mechanical sound hit Gavin in a spot directly between his ribs, spearing straight through his defences. The hole was ignored in favour of gawking at the rare sound.

“Apologies, it’s not my business how you conduct your personal affairs.”

_I want it to be._

Yes he really did... Since when did his thoughts try to make sense?

“Thank you.”

_Not what you wanted to say idiot._

“Your welcome detective.”

He didn't know what else to do, the small gap wasn't filling but he couldn't make any more progress even if he wanted to. The tired stiffness he was accustomed to after these incidences pulsed and ached, demanded his attention, that he try and sleep somewhere that wasn't the couch. Though of course this wasn't going to pleasant, the filthy bedding that he'd cocooned himself in wasn't in sight so he assumed Nines had placed it on his bed. He mumbled something, not sure of what exactly, and forced his useless body to it's feet and padded towards his bedroom door, eyes gratefully adjusting to the cool darkness before he froze in front of his bed.

For some reason the sight of his own bed freshly made up, looking so god damn inviting got to him more than anything else. He’d always had to climb in and sleep in dirty sheets until he’d felt well enough to do the laundry, which if he's honest the time frame for this fucking wildly varied. That he was clean, fed and able to crawl between something that didn’t stink enough to make him nauseous was something else.

It's pointless really to pretend that Nines' unintentional gesture hadn't thrown a well placed grenade against his pitiful denials and defences, even as he scrambled to pull them back up, terror seized his limbs in trepidation of what might happen if he gave in. If he just stopped for a moment and breathed.

Nines’ hands tentatively touching his arms made him realise that he was shivering, fucking shaking all over the place, eyes stinging as he tried to blink back the salty shit pooling there. Any thought of pushing the android away left him as he turned into Nines and clung to the strength that he was so willing to give Gavin. Knee jerking relief released the last of the tension in his frame as hands that were made to kill stroked soothingly over his back, he trembled as the final jolt of tension left his body.

Somehow he ended up in the bed, encased entirely by Nines, the feeling of letting someone else steer for once deliciously sweet. To trust Nines so intimately now he wasn't feeling so brain addled, a fully conscious decision, his very own choice made freely was fucking empowering. He’d managed to fall asleep at one point without any of the intrusive shit trying to keep him awake. Woken up in the middle of the night to broad shoulders and icy eyes that should have been intimidating but instead felt reassuring, if Nines were there then nothing was going to get past the android to him.

Like Nines had destroyed his own isolating, disgustingly sick, protection and offered himself up as the replacement. It's selfish to accept, but when his nerve endings felt flayed open and raw, he'd allow it. Maybe he could work with Nines to make something better for himself, the thought reminding him of the hopeful naivety he'd tried to keep alive when he was a child. But maybe that wasn't such a bad thing. He closed his eyes and pressed his forehead into the crook of Nines' neck, breathing in and out to the rhythm of the thirium pump beating against his chest through the material of Nines' thin cotton shirt.

He could let himself sleep now.

Nines would keep him safe.

 

* * *

 

The next day may have twistedly been one of his happiest. Giving in to the notion that he could really have it all, a life with days filled like this one. Not moving from his bed once, entwined under the covers with Nines, watching old movies and eating whatever the android decided to cook come mealtimes. He even pretended not to see the unusually high amount of adverts for counselling services that mysteriously kept playing, though he’d not resisted giving Nines some major scowling for it.

He hadn’t wanted to take any medication in front of the android now he was aware of what he was doing. But Nines was far to much of a stubborn bastard to be dissuaded, when Gavin tried to find the mouthwash he’d hidden in his bedside table he felt hands cupping his face and then forcefully turning him until Nines was kissing him. Light headed over the feeling Gavin hadn’t resisted as he slouched forward into the androids body, a tongue brushing over his lips had his mouth opening on a heated sigh, Nines using the opportunity to press him down against the sheets. He realised something through the haze of warmth as Nines' tongue licked into his mouth, he blinked against the draw, thoughts coalescing at the exact moment the fucker leaned back out of his reach.

“Did you think that I hadn’t noticed all of this time?" Nines gracefully slid off of the bed.

Gavin closed his fingers around the mouthwash, finally finding it, and lobbed the bottle at the android, Nines sidestepped and the sound of a distorted snort made Gavin’s heart race.

 

* * *

 

All of Gavin’s intrusive paranoid thoughts surprisingly had yet to play out, going back to work had had him ribbed and teased but nothing out of the ordinary, they were all going easy on him if anything compared to the relentless razzing he gave most of them. If anything Nines managed to receive most of the shit for having been the one to “finally fucking poison Reed” as Tina had put it.

Fowler wasn’t thick, the man knew that Gavin was bullshitting him but all the guy had done was welcome him back, and not very subtly remind him about the precincts therapy courses that Anderson was in. Gavin laughed with Nines about it later, but still saved the information Fowler emailed him, just in case he might want it one day.

He’d even followed Nines’ advice to cut back some of his coffee intake, not in the mornings though, he wasn’t that fucking disciplined. It had become part of his routine to take his meds with Nines there just so he could get his reward. The android didn’t get phased by anything, always encouraging Gavin to talk, to tell Nines about all of the shit that he felt at the end of every day. Gavin refused to deal with a counsellor just yet but he didn’t mind Nines’ efforts to make him talk.

Though he wasn't that stupid to think that things were going to be easy. With all of the issues that pressed down against him, suffocating someday's, he wasn't going to allow himself to become delusional again. But it helped to think of a certain pair of broad shoulders helping him carry the weight. He just had to make sure that it went both ways... He could at least try.

He’d been reassured one morning when he’d woken up in a cold sweat and panicking, convinced that Nines would be done with him soon. That the most advanced android ever made would become fed up of dealing with one of the worst of humanities messes. Instead he’d been held and consoled, told over and over again how valued he was, how Nines needed him more than Gavin could ever hope to realise.

“Your so precious to me Gavin.”

_Nines never lies._

He didn’t feel well but he was going to be a lot better.

And if it was a struggle to make it down that imaginary path then at least he had someone walking alongside him.

**Author's Note:**

> If you read through this then thank you so much it means the world to me :)
> 
> If I didn't add any tags that would be appropriate please let me know because I'm really terrible at tagging <3
> 
> I've just added a sequel to this if anybody's wanted to read :)


End file.
